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Foolproof Gun Grabbing

I know exactly how a nefarious tyrant can convince armed, angry Americans to not only hand in all of their guns, but to feel good about it.

Would-be tyrants, listen up. This is something you really need to consider; I very rarely do you guys a favor; this one is a freebie.

Demographically speaking, the most heavily armed patriot types in this country are either devoutly Christian, or do a hell of a good job impersonating devout Christians when the need arises (such as for increasing sales, increasing popularity or whatever). So, your gun collection drive must have, as a core principle, something which appeals heavily to the Christian, particularly the Southern Christian (regardless of locale).

So, Mister Tyrant, any idea what that appealing principle might be?

Hint #1: If you've stepped into practically any Southern church in the past thirty years or so, since the rise of apocalyptic evangelism, you'll know the answer right away.

Hint #2: It didn't used to be this way. As a child growing up in Mississippi, I noticed that Southern churches used to have exactly the opposite point of view, until big Eastern money started flowing into their televangelistic coffers.

Hint #3: As I point out in ”When to Shoot the Colonels”, when the time rolls around to grab guns from people and haul them off, those pesky Oathkeepers will have been quietly reassigned or otherwise sidelined. You'll still need plenty of warm meat to do the job, though.

Hint #4: Recent news stories have noted that Russian ”mercenaries” will be providing security at major events. You and I both know this is a marketing ruse to prepare for the ”big reveal”, as reality programs might call it.

Hint #5: In the aftermath of the Boston bombings, Israeli police were rushed to the scene to give oh, so helpful advice. You might have noticed some of these guys on the sidelines watching while police were police-stating their way around.

Oh, come on now, Mr. Tyrant, surely someone as clever as you can see it by now. OK, I'll spell it out for you.

The easiest way to make sure that Southern Christians not only give up their guns without a struggle, but to actually hand them over with a smile and maybe even get on board themselves to help find more among their heathen neighbors' caches, is to put a little blue Star of David white patch on the shoulder of every stormtrooper involved, whether they are Israeli or not.

Now, some of you on the sidelines reading this think that I'm being anti-Semetic. On the contrary, I'm merely reporting on the facts as they exist today: most Southern Christians worship all things Israeli. That Eastern elite televangelistic money was well-spent, as it seems. And it doesn't have to involve any actual Israelis to work. The precedent is clear:

Want to sell a weapon? Call it Israeli.

Want to sell self-defense classes? Call it an Israeli method.

Want to get support for foreign aid? Give a bunch to Israel.

Want to get the military, and especially special-ops types, juiced up about doing something? Tell them the Israelis are involved / will benefit.

Want to eliminate opposition to private mercenaries and private security for public officials? Make it known that these firms are well-staffed with Israeli contractors.

Want to build a super-capable domestic spying operation without a peep of protest? Contract it out to Israeli companies.

Want to get elected to high office in this country? Publicly swear allegiance to Israel.

Want to never get a single Southern Christian vote, ever? Fail to swear allegiance to Israel. Hell, even just being apathetic on the subject is damning enough.

Want to lose your job at any major US company or any government agency at any level? Display similar apathy when challenged.

Obviously, then, the best strategy for gun grabbing just writes itself:

Want to convince Southern Christians to give up their guns? Tell them the Israelis are collecting them and watch those people convince themselves that Jesus himself is calling the shots.

A Southern Christian will sure as hell shoot a Russian or a Chinee who comes to their house to collect their guns. They may shoot a cop who does it, depending on how their last speeding ticket experience, bodily fluid inspection or transportation cavity search played out. They probably won't shoot an American soldier, but they might.

But sure as Jesus rode a little red tricycle to the money-changers' tables, a Southern Christian will never, ever, shoot someone whom they think is an Israeli when a constellation of little blue stars shows up on their doorstep. Hell, you could even dress up a Muslim with that little blue star and the effect will be exactly the same.

All of that bullshit ”cold dead hands” hyperbole will vanish in its entirety in the face of this tactic. To Southern Christians, that little blue star means more to them than their guns, their country, their families and even their dog. Use that little blue star wisely and often, and you will conquer all before you.

I garontee it, as the Cajun chef used to say when I was a little kid. Because it was about that time that Southern churches went from somewhere south of apathetic regarding Israel to full bore ”Ima gonna fight for the Lord” on their behalf. And along with that cash-pumped fervor, Southern Christian loyalty went from the interests of Americans and the Good-Ole-USA to those of a foreign nation established by Man and not by God. Best marketing buy in history.

In those golden calf days, you couldn't walk past a Southern revival without hearing the smackity-smack of all those foreskins shooting through the camp meeting tents as they rocketed from the bodies of the revived, tearing iniquity from their souls as they left. You could have upholstered a production run of Volkswagens if you had been foresightful enough to go around scooping them all up. Tan my hide, indeed.

But wait, as the telemarketers say, there's more.

If you want to sell a bad thing, stick a worse thing on it and try really, really hard, but not really, to sell that combination. Let people get all worked up about the worse thing, and then say, ”OK, you convinced me, that worst thing is OUT!” The crowds will rejoice and smugly line right up to buy the bad thing, even though they would have never considered it at all in the first place.

So, want to seal the deal and remove any remaining uncertainty? Float the idea that the Russians might be used to collect guns from Americans, and then let them Billy Bobs get all churned up into a lather. Later, change it to their buddies, the Israelis, and watch how they all flip over. Miracle of miracles, thankyoo Jesus!

Wow. I see all that televangelistic money has been well-spent over the decades.

So, you had this planned all along, didn't you, Mister Tyrant? As long as all those Southern Christians keep flocking to televangelistic churches every Sunday to lap up that same drumbeat (versus how Jesus admonished them to worship), and beating down the doors of the military recruiting offices to fight for Israel (instead of siding with Jesus in the fight against corrupt powers who killed him for it), you will have no problem at all.

My bad. Carry on, Mr. Tyrant.

Fighting Back Smarter

I've promised my readers that I will end each rant with a practical tip that addresses the topic in question. Today's tip is to ask your patriot friends, ”just as the government asked Israelis to help with searching for the bombers in Boston, if the government staged gun raids by claiming the Israelis were 'helping enforce gun laws', how do you think most people, especially Christians, would react to that?”

Be patient with your friends when you ask them this, and help them past their rage at being forced to even consider this possibility. The rage you experience from them will tell you exactly how effective such a strategy, ”unfair” as it is, would be. At least now it won't be a surprise when it happens.
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